


Touch

by soulcomposer



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Doubt, Fluff, Kaworu being a creep, M/M, Sadness, daft punk - Freeform, worthlessness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-15
Updated: 2015-10-15
Packaged: 2018-04-26 11:49:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5003683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soulcomposer/pseuds/soulcomposer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shinji's having another sad and doubtful night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Touch

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Daft Punk’s “Touch” particularly the lyric “You’ve almost convinced me I’m real” If you haven’t listened to it or watched this Eva AMV in particular you really need to. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hy0awcLBWuc

‘A soulless husk. What would life have been like if I weren’t one? Living up to everyone’s expectations and moving through life as mechanically as the Evas I controlled. I feel so used. Can I really keep going on like this?’ I thought to myself as I curled my body closer, closing my eyes, trying to focus on the sound of my breathing to not completely lose it. It’s not something I’m too fond of experiencing in the middle of the night. 

I look across my patch of the floor to Kaworu-kun. What I’d give to look as peaceful as he did in that moment. He almost looked like he was smiling? Do people really look like that when they sleep? I smile to myself. ‘Nah, Kaworu’s just a weird kid’ 

“What nonsense are you thinking to yourself now Shinji-kun?” Thought interrupted by his sudden question I turn around in embarrassment and hold myself even closer fingers digging into my sides. Like that’s at all convincing. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Go back to sleep.” I get up to head to the kitchen. Maybe a glass of water will calm me down. I pour myself the glass and sit at the dining table in the dark just staring at the wall opposite me. Didn’t think this was a great idea but at least I’ve lowered my chances of humiliation. The thoughts hadn’t though. I was already thinking about how useless I was going to be the next day if I didn’t get enough sleep. And already imagining the disappointed faces coming not only from my dad but from Misato-san and Rei, people who at least try to care about me…but I know it’s all an act. 

Once again distracted by thoughts I failed to notice Kaworu creeping on me by leaning by the entry way to the kitchen. I couldn’t even process the look that Kaworu was giving me. It was some odd mixture of mischief …and forgiveness? 

“Do you want to go for a walk?” Kaworu nonchalantly whispers, gesturing his hand to me. 

“Uh…sure?” What is he trying to get out of this? I hesitated and walked towards him but I didn’t take his hand. Didn’t matter though, because he ended up taking mine anyway. Invasive much? But it did give me some sense of reassurance. He led the way outside. 

~  
We ended up walking along some off road surrounded by fields. It would have been calming to gaze at if the stars above us weren’t already doing a great job at it. You go stars. 

“Shinji-kun? Why do you cry so much? And why always at night when everyone else isn’t around?” I forget that Kaworu not only was a weird kid, but he also didn’t have a great grasp on feelings. Not like Rei, who can seem pretty devoid of them. With Kaworu, there’s so much curiosity accompanied with his speech. Its whimsical almost.

The grip he had on my hand tightened. The sight was pretty adorable I’ll admit because we were both wearing sweaters way too big for our scrawny figures (you can blame Misato-sans hand me downs for that one) and all you could see was his green sleeve clutching my grey one. I couldn’t help but giggle a bit, covering my smile with my other hand also enveloped in sleeve. 

“Another thing I’ve been wondering. Why do you always laugh when I’m around? Am I doing something wrong?” I didn’t have to look at him to hear the pout in his voice so I just signaled towards the bench that was coming ahead so we could sit. 

“There’s just so many things you do that are so strange. But I find them to be wonderful. And apparently so do you with all the experiences you’ve had being here thus far. It’s like a breath of fresh air being around you” I thought over my words but it was too late; they had already been said. I readjusted my hand to instead have his under mine, courage seeming to flow through me. 

“Like what Shinji-kun?” Kaworu turned to me and I could tell it was an earnest question. There was that look, sinking into me, searching for an answer. What was he expecting to hear from me? 

“Well for one thing, despite all my failures since you’ve met me, you’ve actually stuck around. And I still haven’t figured out why. Everyone I’ve encountered in my life thus far has always wanted to get something out of me. But seeing how flawlessly you move throughout your endeavors I don’t see any reason for someone like you to keep someone like me around unless it was for some ultimate gain that I just don’t know about yet.” I’m rambling again, but I just can’t make sense of it.

“Have you ever thought that I would just genuinely want you around for my own selfish sake?” He smiled again. How can he just do that? Does he even know the state of the world that we’re living in? I reached out with my unoccupied hand to touch the corner of his smile, the tips of my fingers caressing it as if something foreign. I pressed my lips to the corner of his smile. Amazing. 

But it wasn’t over just yet. Kaworu-kun pulled me closer with his own free arm wrapping around my waist. “Touch, Shinji-kun. I find that it really does help with finding your way back. So please, let me. Let me okay? I don’t want to anything more from you except to stick around. As hard as that is to believe, just please let me stay.” He nuzzled his nose against mine.

What are these sensations? What are these nerves taking over my body? I held onto him then, tightly, following with my head buried in the nape of his neck. I felt his hand slowly run up the side of my back and into the strands of my hair.   
“You’re not useless Shinji. You never have been since I’ve met you. The conditions that we’re living in probably aren’t the most ideal to have a positive outlook on life but that’s why you’ve got me. I belong right here with you whether you believe it to be real or not.”

All these sensations. All this touch. These tears that were now flowing freely. They almost felt real to me. He almost was.


End file.
